I recently led a workshop for teen girls at a youth conference.  I included these questions and leading statements in a handout at the end. I thought back to the things that kept me going when I was just starting my self discovery process, and compiled them. Guided journaling is a powerful tool, and as we answer these questions for ourselves they can also become guideposts to return to when we have lost our way.  They are a trail of promises and affirmations, leading us back to who we are in faith.  I hope this is a helpful resource.

Grounding Questions & Open Statements for Journaling  / Self discovery:
Asking myself the right questions is one of the most important skills I’ve developed.  Sometimes we don’t need more answers, we just need better questions.

God has shown up for me in these ways:
I feel close to God when:
Ways I practice resilience:

How it looks when I’m not OK:
(Often it’s hard for our communities to know what it looks like when we are in a bad place emotionally, what should they look for?)
How my family & community can help:

These verses comfort me:
These people affirm my identity, they remind me of who I am in Christ:
We can’t be what we can’t see, women I respect who mentor me:
I am intentional with my influence, these girls may see me as a mentor:
Hard things I have overcome:

Harmful beliefs or stories I live:
God makes all things new, what beliefs or stories am I choosing instead?

Answered Prayers:
I’m still waiting on these:

I feel complete & grounded when I am:

I am:
(List how you choose to define yourself)

I am passionate about:
Things about myself that I’m learning to accept:
Things I am claiming for myself:
Things about myself that I celebrate:

​

The Hate U Give was on my reading list for this year, but also chosen as our February book club book.  One thing I love about our book club this year is that we are focusing on reading the work of women of color.

This book was gripping.  It was hard to put down, but I also really needed breaks because of the subject matter and story.  It was partly Angie Thomas' ability to write such real characters, and partly how real the story is.  I felt like I was reading a first hand account of the friend who could have been with Trayvon Martin, or something shared by Erica Garner. I loved that Angie wrote so much nuance into the story.  I loved that she wrote Starr's uncle to be in law enforcement.  I loved the overarching story arc of Starr finding her voice, stepping into activism, and claiming her whole identity with all her friends.  I was grateful for moments of reprieve, well placed humor, and descriptions of daily life woven into the major plot points.

Personally, I struggle to hold space for all the hurt in our world, and invoke the resilience to keep going.  Reading this book reminded me of the real stories, lives, and communities behind every headline.  I'm still building the resilience necessary to move forward without tuning out, without becoming numb, and letting myself see statistics instead of people. 

I think "The Hate U Give" should be required reading for any of us who have the luxury of being able to tune out. It's a powerful tool to tap into and grow our empathy.

When I got to the end of the book and read Angie's short bio, I was amazed that this was her FIRST BOOK.  WHAT?
If you follow me at all, you'll know that I'm writing my first book.  In researching publishers, agents, and the traditional processes, I came across many articles stating (more or less) "Everyone's first book sucks".  It really got to me for a while.  Coming full circle and realizing something so powerful was a first book shook me right out of my imposter syndrome.

"The Hate U Give" is definitely going on my short list for book recommendations. Have you read it?  What were your thoughts? 

Last week in social media...

One of my favorite posts from this week was over at @goandtellgals  simply stated:

"It's not humble to hold back"

OOF. How many times have we sat on our gifts afraid of being "too much", "not enough" or being taken advantage of somehow?

I know I have PLENTY of times. Here's the thing about humility: It's not about how we're seen. It's about doing our internal work so others don't trip over the boxes we refuse to unpack.

Humility doesn't stifle our identities or callings. It does require us to set aside our compulsion to be seen as good and right.

This is the hard thing with religion of any kind. We often seek it out when we're hurting. We want a balm that will make us feel OK. We want a formula for having the Good & Right Answers for the world. Evangelism then becomes not about relationship, faith, or love. Evangelism becomes another marker for how Good and Right we are. Seeing the problem yet?

Being able to set aside our good and right status is the acid test of understanding our worthiness. It's also what enables things like empathy, authenticity, vulnerability, grace, and love.

So if you wonder how humble you are, see how you feel when your worldview is challenged. See how much space you can hold for someone with a story wildly different from your own.
See if you can take responsibility for how you treat others, no matter how they treat you or those in your corner.

Are you ok being wrong? Are you ok learning how you may have caused others harm, and learning to do better in grace?

That's humility.

I love social media, but there are some definite drawbacks that always make me miss good, old fashioned, bloggin'.  I know I'm not alone (and some of my subscribers don't even have social media, what?)  so at the risk of recycling information, I am sharing the main reasons I created the #patriarchydetox challenge, here.  It will look better in long form anyways, I promise.

The third reason I created #patriarchydetox, is it gives us ways to embody our growth.  We can take specific action towards dismantling harmful stories we tell ourselves, and we can do it IN COMMUNITY.

Every single transformative healing experience I have had has been in the company of strong women united in purpose.

All of them.  

My mission as far as I know so far is to create these spaces. Online, in person, one on one, anywhere I can. I want to offer so many ways for you to expand into who you were made to be. I’m here to hold that space for you to sift through the stories you’ve lived with compassion.  I’m here to walk with you as you mourn the hard things, the dark places in yourself and in others. I’m here to rally behind your mission, calling, and purpose whatever they may be.​

This is the world we can create in healing and reclamation, and this is just the beginning.

Reason #4: I created #patriarchydetox because patriarchal power dynamics are a baseline part of our stories that we often don’t question.  If you haven’t figured this out already, I’m into questioning everything.


But really, it’s so important to know WHY we do what we do.  This challenge is an invitation to deeper intention. It’s an investigation to discover how a main structure of society intersects with who YOU are.


We are only powerless when we choose not to claim our influence.  We are powerless when we shut our eyes, and plug our ears. Living our lives on autopilot is always dangerous, to us and to those who trip over the bags we refuse to unpack.​


I’m going to get a little vulnerable, and share that this is the case especially in spaces of faith. I think we tend to assume that if we partake in spiritual practices and beliefs we can avoid really getting to know ourselves.  We hang a cross on the closet door that we’ve shoved all of our insecurity, fear, and shame in, and think that makes us good.


For my fellow Christians - Grace and forgiveness doesn’t mean we don’t live with the consequences of our actions, and of living in a cursed world. If we don’t evaluate the structures that our world is based on, how can we recognize them when they show up in our churches?


“The World” isn’t always sex, drugs, yoga pants, and rock n’ roll.  More often “The World” is fear of not being enough, fear of not having enough, fear of being wrong, fear of not being good.  Looking for quick, cheap, and easy fixes to our problems in life, and getting caught up in comparison traps. Patriarchy isn’t a system based in faith, patriarchy is a “worldly” system that we ALL must fight if we want to live wholehearted, autonomous lives of faith.

Reason #5: I created the patriarchy detox challenge because I hate men.  JUST KIDDING. I actually created Patriarchy Detox because I hold deep respect and love for many wonderful men in my life, and I want to see THEM free from these harmful structures too.

My repeatable phrase in this challenge is that Patriarchy is a SYSTEM, it doesn’t mean “men are evil.”

Patriarchy is the SYSTEM that tells men the only socially acceptable way of processing their emotions is through anger.
Patriarchy is the SYSTEM that suppresses the infinite ways to define “masculine” and “feminine”
Patriarchy is the SYSTEM that teaches men to see women as consumable
Patriarchy is the SYSTEM that cuts many men off from learning how to nurture themselves and their communities
Patriarchy is the SYSTEM that teaches us all to equate connection with weakness (and femininity)​

Patriarchy hurts men too. We need to debunk this myth once and for all, that the system of patriarchy benefits men, and we women are just fighting for our fair share of power.  No. Patriarchy is poison that turns us on each other, limits all of our potential, and creates spaces of isolation instead of spaces of connection.

This challenge is based in my, feminine, experience of patriarchy, but men are also welcome. It’s equally important (if not more important!) for men to unpack the role patriarchy has played in their lives.  It’s not easy work, but it’s worthwhile. I’m all about sisterhood, but we need our men to live into the full spectrum of their identities too. We need our men healed and whole.


I could probably make a month long series on why it's so important to examine the role stories like patriarchy play in our lives, but I'll save that for after I finish my book.  I am, however, so psyched to do this challenge with you all.  The challenge will be open from Monday, 1/7/19, through Friday, 1/11/19, and if you'd like details on what's involved and how to sign up, click on over here.

​See you on the other side!

When I planned my topics for December, I had intended to create an ethical gift guide one week. I then realized how many people put out gift guides, and that some of them are really fantastic.  My favorites were Cali Wolf’s gift guide featuring Indigenous companies and artisans, Catherine’s Feminist Gift Guide, and Scraping Raisins Ethical gift guide. They really covered it guys.
 
I’m going to keep bucking the system, and talk about Presence instead of presents. My feelings around Christmas have changed a lot since I’ve become an adult.  I’m not sure when the tide turned, but at some point in my adult life my emotional association with Christmas went from joy and hygge to overwhelm.
 
I’m still processing why this is, and carefully tracing the themes of joy and connection through my holidays.  Last year, I was at the peak of my seasonal depression, and looking at making a major job change. I mentioned last week that the entire gifting process was incredibly overwhelming, and that’s true. What I loved the most about the holiday was packing up and visiting my family for what we call “Thristmas”, a mix of Thanksgiving and Christmas that has come to be celebrated the weekend before Christmas.
​
Visiting my family is a time out of sorts.  Everything runs on a different timeline when it takes twenty minutes to get to the grocery store.  There is nothing else for me to do than what I’m doing right that moment when I’m there. There is nowhere else for me to be. The more I’ve been able to integrate the challenging parts of my childhood and adolescence, the more I’ve savored going home.

There’s something about the question “do you have a wishlist this year?” that cheapens all this presence for me.  Wish lists aren’t bad. Presents aren’t bad.
 
But I’ll take presence over presents every time.

​

As soon as the days start to shorten, and the shadows lengthen, my internal world goes on high alert, looking for signs of the depression monster.

I start pulling out my light box in the mornings.  I double down on my rituals. I pay attention to how long my low moods last, and if they are situational.  When we enter daylight savings time, I move from code yellow to code orange.

Any of you who deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder know this dance.

This year, my anxiety was high going into the fall.  Last winter was one of my worst.  Simply getting out of bed and going to work in the morning took so much energy.  The holidays were stressful.  Receiving (and finding room for) gifts was especially overwhelming.  The energy of thinking of things to go on a gift list for myself (and for Chris) was just not existent.  I recently wrote on Instagram about this season - that I wasn't only depressed, but I was mourning many things.  This fall, I wondered how much had changed.  I wondered if my growth would sustain me through my hardest season.  I wondered if I would be able to enjoy the holidays. 

I read a lot this year, and one of my favorite books was "Learning to Walk in the Dark" by Barbara Brown Taylor. I listened to the audiobook for free through our local library. 

So much of this book stuck with me.  First there was the fact that just listening to Barbara is soothing. However I would say that two major concepts impacted me.  Seeking understanding, instead of running and hiding from my personal dark, and the value of preserving physical darkness.

I've combatted my anxiety this fall with these mantras.

I will embrace slow
I will celebrate the light when I can
I will become friends with the dark

We follow and celebrate all the seasons in nature it seems, except winter.  Sure, there's winter sports and holidays.  That's not what I mean.

In Spring, we watch for the first flowers.  We smell the damp earth, and savor every extra minute of light we get at the end of our days.
In Summer, we soak in sun and ocean.  We revel in the warmth, listen to the tree frogs and cicadas at night.
In Autumn, we harvest.  We smell the crispness in the air, and pull out our sweaters and jackets.  We have bonfires, rake leaves, bake pies, and carve pumpkins.

And in winter, when Nature rests, we have one of our busiest human seasons.  We bake, we shop, we gift, we plan, we work.

We never stop.

Nature reminds us with the short days, with the cold nights to rest.  But we keep going. This resistance to slowing down is something that has greatly contributed to my winter blues. I've always greatly felt the need to slow down, and also the push to do all the things.

Here are a few ways I'm choosing to slow down this winter:

Only blogging once a week vs three times - definitely through the winter, and potentially until my book is done.
Minimizing gifting (both receiving and giving)
Only putting up the decorations I really want to see, and not over extending myself with outdoor lights etc.
Not going to stores (online shopping FTW) 
Minimizing my screen time - I have done this since before the fall, but not taking my phone to bed with me has greatly increased my sleep quality.  I plug my phone in downstairs, and my fitbit is my alarm.  I fall asleep better because I'm not scrolling, and I actually get out of bed in the morning because I'm not distracted.
Taking a couple additional days off work.

Part of me feels like it's impossible to really embrace the qualities of Winter in our society.  We must always be busy, working, hustling to fund our lives and provide for our families. But that's when I remind myself, that we only need to create a little space. 

How are you creating space to slow down this winter?

​
​I mourn how our ancestors and founding fathers repaid Native kindnesses. It disturbs and unnerves me that my country was built out of the decimation of Indigenous peoples.  I get a bit nauseous when I remember the faith I practice gained political strength and power through the same events. Sometimes, when we thank God for our freedom to practice our religion during church services I get a chill.  I wonder if that's what we really mean, or if we are actually grateful that our religion holds unholy social and political power.

I think I was 15 or so when I started trying to reconcile the teachings of Jesus with organized Christianity.  
 
I read “Blue Like Jazz”, and I found the first description of faith that felt like home.  Don Miller is witty and conversational, but above all authentic and vulnerable. As I was writing this post, I kept remembering Don’s story about building a confession booth during Ren Fayre at Reed College.

For those of you not familiar, Don and his friends confessed to the students of Reed.  They confessed their own bias, times they had been unloving, as well as more expansive collective sins like the crusades.  As Don explains to his first visitor:

“What are you confessing?” he asked.
I shook my head and looked at the ground.  “Everything,” I told him.
“Explain.” he said.
“There’s a lot, I will keep it short,” I started.  “Jesus said to feed the poor and to heal the sick. I have never done very much about that.  Jesus said to love those who persecute me. I tend to lash out, especially if I feel threatened, you know, if my ego gets threatened.  Jesus did not mix His spirituality with politics. I grew up doing that. It got in the way of the central message of Christ. I know that was wrong, and I know that a lot of people will not listen to the words of Christ because people like me, who know Him, carry our own agendas into the conversation rather than just relaying the message Christ wanted to get across.  There’s a lot more, you know.”

“It’s all right, man” Jake said, very tenderly.  His eyes were starting to water.

“Well, I said, clearing my throat, “I am sorry for all of that.”
“I forgive you” Jake said.  And he meant it”

Don goes on to say that over 100 students participated, and it opened doors for community outreach and growth like they had never seen before, on one of the most secular campuses in the US. 

Maybe another  thing that we can do to heal our collective histories is set aside our egos, our tightly held national narratives, and confess*.  


I would like to thank Roxanne Dunbar Ortiz for her brilliant and detailed work in her books:

"An Indigenous Peoples History of the United States" and
"All The Real Indians Died Off, and twenty other myths about Native Americans"

they have inspired me to research further and greatly informed this post.


*Something I think we Christians can get wrong about confession is the expectation of forgiveness.  God may forgive us, but people are never required to.   Confession isn't a means to rid ourselves of guilt or discomfort.  Confession is acknowledgement of wrong and causing harm.

Long ago, well, twelve years ago to be more exact, my Good Friend Chris Wooding and I had debates on the merits of romance.  He was a staunch defender, I the cynical opposition.  The joke is on me because I eventually married him.  However, I still carry a healthy amount of realism when it comes to getting all twitterpated and dousing our brains in dopamine. Today, I decided to let you in on my inner rant world with one of my biggest pet peeves: "Romantic" movies. I'm warning you now.  If you love "The Notebook" you might want to skip this post.  I'm not hating on you enjoying a movie, I'm just.... hating on the movie. 


I have a few beefs with movies typically labeled as Romance.

The first: All's fair in love. Codependence, Emotional abuse, Manipulation, and Gaslighting are all romantic if you choose the right setting, time period, and music.  

I apparently disagree with 80% of movie makers who seem to think healthy, consensual relationships between two adults with full autonomy aren't interesting.  You don't need that crazy misunderstanding that would never actually happen plot line, I promise.  It's just lazy writing. 

There are a few TV couples whose depth of character development and relationships I would like to laud. 

Marshall and Lily from How I Met Your Mother,

"This is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons. It is laced with loss, but also two people who refuse to give up on each other through it. After the first loss, their relationship is tested to it's limit, Chris Nielsen (Robin Williams) learns an important lesson.  He learns about presence. In an iconic quote he says:

"That's when I realized I'm part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn't join you. So I left you alone. Don't give up, okay?"

Later, he puts action behind his understanding, joining his wife in her own personal hell and showing her she's not alone.  That's romance. 

Next up: "Silver Linings Playbook"

This movie was crowdfunded and directed by Zach Braff.  It tackles tough topics like the financial weight of a family, finding identity and fulfillment as adults, intimacy in marriage, the vulnerability and limited time available to reconcile with aging parents, and more. I know some people didn't like that it doesn't have a huge story arc.  It doesn't start with Some Huge Problem and end with Happily Ever After.  But it shows my favorite thing, growth.  I especially appreciated the aspects of marriage it highlighted. Kate Hudson's character is working full time to support her husband, (Zach Braff) a struggling actor.  Again, these are the challenges people face. Aging parents with terminal diagnosis. Estranged family. Shifts in personal identity.  

To me, romance isn't just a dopamine hit.  Romance is showing up for each other, day in and day out.  Romance is working on *ourselves* and committing to authenticity and vulnerability with our partners.  Romance is knowing the quirks, smiling over inside jokes, and experiencing those moments that yes, sometimes take your breath away.  There's enough story here for unlimited movies, books, and TV shows.  Hollywood, you've already shown us you can step it up.  We're waiting. ​

So I told you I would be featuring some fantastic Indigenous women this month, and I'm so excited to introduce you to the first one!  Cali is Sičháŋǧu Lakȟóta from the Rosebud Sioux Tribe. She is a trauma nurse, blogger, and ambassador for Native Women's Wilderness.​ 

Cali details her journey to embracing her heritage on her blog, Through Her Native Eyes.  Cali and I originally connected on Instagram.  Her posts are beautiful, educational, and heartfelt.  Her blog shares her story, Indigenous history, and how to be an ally to Indigenous peoples.  I also loved her guest post discussing what it's like traveling as a Native woman, and how we can be respectful of Indigenous peoples and the history of Native lands. 

Cali's love for nature and hiking has been essential as she has been called back to her heritage.  Now she advocates for diversity and representation in outdoor and hiking industries, and is an ambassador for Native Women's Wilderness. 

You may remember Native Women's Wilderness from last weeks post introducing the unique challenges Native Women face, and the fantastic organizations rising to meet those challenges. They are a Native run initiative that inspires and raises the voices of Native Women in the Outdoor Realm.  They encourage a healthy lifestyle grounded in the Wilderness, and educate Natives and non-Natives on the rich beauty and heritage of the Ancestral Lands beneath our feet. (adapted from Native Womens Wilderness mission statement.)